Horseradish
by DipziShan
Summary: Every chapter is a oneshot based on one of the 137 bitter truths in Lemony Snicket's Horseradish. This will not be updated regularly, but rather whenever I feel like updating, so don't hound me about it!
1. House or Home?

**Hello, this is Shannon.**

**One of my favorite authors has been Lemony Snicket right from the 'Bad Beginning'. I was reading his book Horseradish last night when it occurred to me that it would be very fun to do a oneshotfor every bitter truth in said book, all 137 of them!**

**So here it is: Horseradish: TDI Edition!**

**IMPORTANT NOTE: The oneshots are basedon ideas I had while reading the little quotes, they might not always have anything to do with the quotes at all!**

_

* * *

_

The difference between a house and a home

_Is like the difference between a man and a women--_

_It might be embarrassing to explain, _

_But it would be very unusual to get them confused._

* * *

"Mommy," Said the raven-haired youth. "Why do you always Daddy's house is a house, and your house is a home?" She looked up with innocent onyx eyes into eyes of the same color, but frosted with sorrows rather than painted with rainbows.

"Well, Amber," Her mother began, setting the five year old on her lap while she rocked back and forth in her rocking chair by the window. "Daddy's house is empty; there's no love. No family. Here there's family, glad memories, and beds that were used for actual sleeping."

"Daddy's house has love!" She argued, the little freckles on her nose showing boldly in the dim light. "Daddy loves me, so there's love. And Daddy has Mandy, she's family."

"Mandy doesn't count." The mother snapped. She repeated once more in a softer tone, then continued. "Mandy is Daddy's lady friend, but that doesn't mean he loves her."

"He does, Mommy. I can tell. He gives her heart eyes!"

The mocha-haired mother chuckled. "And what, might I ask, are heart eyes?"

"The look that you and Step-Daddy give each other."

The mother stopped her soft chuckles, ceasing all movement. She thought about the sweet little glances she gave her husband, and tried to picture _him_giving the same glances to his brainy red-head lover. It made her sick just thinking about him or his perfect little Mandy. The Mandy he'd left her for that day.

_I was home arranging flowers in a small vase that was to be the centerpiece for the lovely table I'd set. Tonight was our anniversary, and I'd made a special dinner, complete with blood red wine._

_He'd come bursting in the door with a gumpy grin on his face. I'd smiled as brightly as I could and pulled him into a loving embrace._

_Imagine my surprise when he pushed me away._

_"Sweetheart," He began. "I think we need to see other people."_

_"But we're _married_. Married people don't date other people!" I'm pretty sure the water-proof eyeliner I'd bought wasn't doing it's job, because I wiped away a fat tear from my freckled cheeks and black was smudged against my hand._

_"They do when they want a divorce."_

_I felt my heart drop to the floor. I was so numb. It was like I'd become just a hazy mist and my still-solid heart was sickeningly dropping through the haze._

_I lost it._

_"Get out!" I grabbed the first thing i could get my hands on, I think it was a book, and I threw it at his head. He got the message and fled before whatever else I had in my hands hit him._

_After that, I ate the entire lobster I'd spent the whole day cooking, drank the whole bottle of wine, and devoured the cheesecake._

_Amber came along six months later, and I knew I had to find someone to support me._

_The thing that killed me was that He had offered me a home, and money. He and his little Mandy._

_I had declined and instead lived very simply in my old home, just barely keeping up on my bills._

_Then Justin came along..._

"Mommy?" Amber tugged at her mother's long mocha locks.

The mother opened her eyes and realized she's drifted off. She glanced at the clock. "9:00, time for bed."

"Aw, but-"

"No but's, you've got to go see... go see..." She sighed. "Go see Daddy tomorrow."

"Courtney," Said another voice, velvety as true love is pure. "Duncan called, he wants to talk to you."

"Can I talk to him, please, Mommy?" Amber begged, tugging now on her mother's flowered nightdress.

"Not this time, Sweetie." she turned to her husband. "Can you please put her to bed, Justin?"

He nodded and scooped the child in his arms. Courtney watched them retreat to Amber's room, flick on the lights, and check for monsters before she finally answered the phone.

"Hello, Duncan."

"Hey, Courtney, I've got big news!"

She sighed once more. "What?"

"I proposed to Mandy."

It took a moment for her mind to register.

"You _proposed_?!"

"Yea!" The excitement in his voice was so obvious, Courtney couldn't bear to crush it with one of her rude remarks against Mandy, so instead she said...

"Tell her to make that house a home, okay? Best wishes."


	2. Tuna Fish

****

Wow, I got one review and felt the need to update.

**Either way, here's the next chapter!**

* * *

_There is something marvelous_

_about returning home_

_At the end of a long day,_

_Even if there is tuna fish for dinner._

* * *

_What a long day _Beth thought as she hopped off the city bus and got ready to walk the rest of the way home. She'd embarrassed herself in front of her co-worker and crush, Mr. Cody Blanc, and she'd only gotten about half her usual amount of filing done.

And what did she have to look forward to when she got home? No boyfriend, no friends, and only a cat as company. _Oh well,_ she thought _at least I'm not fired_.

Her cell phone rang.

She looked at the caller i.d. before answering, worrying that she'd jinxed herself.

"Hey, Beth,"

"Hello Mrs. Hanson." Mrs. Lauren Hanson: Beth's employer.

"I'm going to need you to come in early tomorrow, okay?"

"How early, Mrs. Hanson?"

"Oh about 1 o'clock-ish. You obviously can't handle filing, so you're stuck baby-sitting the security guard to make sure he stays awake."

_Demoted?_ Beth held the phone against her chest and started cussing with every swear she could think of, even a few British terms she'd only heard in songs.

"Beth?."

Beth took a deep breath and put the phone to her ear. "Yes Mrs. Twat?" She didn't realize her mistake until it was too late.

"YOU WILL NEVER WORK ANYWHERE EVER AGAIN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I EVER DO!"

Beth grabbed her clunky tan purse and stuffed the phone into it, not even bothering to answer. She also grabbed a lemon-yellow tissue and started dabbing at her tears.

* * *

Beth got home and immediately sunk into her huge armchair with the plumpery pillows and felt at home. Her fat cow-printed cat leaped mightily and sat on her lap, thus making the scene perfect.

Then the doorbell rang.

Beth pushed Cow Cat onto the floor and stomped over to the door, expecting it to be her neighbor's annoying teenage son pranking her again.

Instead there was Lindsay. Her friend Lindsay who she hadn't seen in two years.

"Hi, Beth!"

"Oh my gosh, Lindsay, how did you get here!?"

Lindsay tossed her (now curly) blond hair over one shoulder and laughed, handing a paper lunch bag to Beth. "I looked you up on the Internet! Chris keeps tabs on all the ex-campers."

"That was really... smart of you."

"Yea, I started hanging out with different people, and I ended up liking to be smart _and _blond!" Beth set the lunch bag on the little table next to her front door and gave her friend the biggest hug she'd ever given anyone.

Lindsay hugged back with just as much enthusiasm, then asked: "Do you like tuna? It's all I had on hand."

Beth smiled her perfectly white smile and nodded. "I really couldn't care less."


	3. Chess

**I decided I would start going out of order of the book, seeing as I'm having difficulty thinking of something to go with the next quote.**

**This quote is one of my personal favorites, so I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!**

**This chapter is kinda weird, but I liked writing it!**

_

* * *

_

An apocryphal story--the word "apocryphal" here means "obviously untrue"--tells of two people, long ago, who were very bored, and that instead of complaining about it they sat up all night and invented the game of chess so that everyone else in the world, on evenings when there is nothing to do, can also be bored by the perplexing and tedious game they invented.

* * *

"Babe, you can't make that move." Duncan said, pointing toward Courtney's Bishop which she'd just moved diagonally three vacant squares.

It was a very hot day at Camp Wawanakwa, and Duncan had somehow convinced Courtney to join him in the hot, stuffy Killer Bass cabin for a game of chess.

"Yes I can, Duncan. I've been playing chess far longer than you, and I think I should know how the game goes." She was patting down her hair, frizzy and taking on an afro-esque style from the humidity, with one hand and looking at the directions with the other.

"Well I happen to like chess. I used to play it all the time in juvie." This was true, though the criminal neglected to mention that he always confused anyone who played against him so that is was easy to win. He wiped his sweaty brown on his shirt and got an idea.

Courtney looked up and opened her mouth to speak, but closed it once she saw that Duncan was no longer wearing his shirt.

"Like what you see, Princess?"

She opened and closed her mouth like a goldfish for a few moments, then said: "No, I think it's a dirty trick to try and distract me from the game like that!" _But a good idea_. She added to herself, hatching a plan to win in her mind.

Duncan took his turn, and nabbed one of her pawns.

Courtney took a turn and captured nothing.

Duncan captured another pawn.

Courtney tugged the grey sweater over her head, leaving her in her white Oxford shirt and green pants. She captured a knight.

Duncan stupidly took his turn, moving his Queen in a way that allowed for Courtney to capture her.

She excused herself for a bathroom break, grabbing some clothes from her suitcase along with a hairbrush and hairspray.

While she was gone, Duncan grabbed a few of her pieces and moved his own to make it seem that he had captured them fair and square.

Courtney came back with her hair smoothed back into it's usual style in a very short pair of shorts and a low-cut tank top. You could plainly see the red undergarments she was wearing, and Duncan was very interested in that.

So interested that he didn't notice Courtney even up the score in just a few turns.

Soon it was down to Duncan's king and Courtney's King, Queen, and three pawns.

The win seemed inevitable. But Duncan had another trick up his sleeve.

He moved to sit behind Courtney and pushed her hair, stick from the hairspray, away from her ear. He pressed his lips to the small space just below her earlobe and kissed it.

Her breath caught in her throat, and she tried to ignore him, moving her Queen forward a few spaces.

Duncan captured the Queen.

"C'mon, Princess, we both know I'm gonna win." He was now rubbing her shoulders, which glistened with sweat, and kissing her neck. Courtney was only just barely paying attention to the game. Just enough attention to notice she was losing.

She moved her king forward one. He was now on G7.

Duncan's King was on G8. He was so focused on Courtney he'd put himself in danger of losing. He moved one space to the right, positioning himself in the corner.

Courtney moved one pawn to G8. "Checkmate." She announced, pointing happily at the clear win. One pawn was on G8, one was on H7, and the queen was on G7.

Duncan simply said. "Eh, I never really wanted to win."

She turned to face him abruptly. "What!?"

"I just wanted to make you stay in here all day. You know, you're pretty vocal during chess, almost sounded like we were-"

Her eyes grew wide. "You didn't."

He smirked, holding a pair of Courtney's panties that had been missing from her suitcase for a week. "Yep, they think you and I did it."

She ran screaming from the cabin, telling anyone who would listen that she and Duncan hadn't 'done it' while Duncan slipped his jeans off (leaving him in his boxers) and crawled into Courtney's bunk, smirking at his ingenious plan.


	4. Chapter 4

I am sorry, but I will no longer be writing fan fictions.

I recently went through a few tough things in my life, and those forced me to look at my writing. Needless to say, I wasn't impressed. I feel that I must return to my novel I was trying to write rather than living my life through a false image of this supposedly wonderful fan fiction writer. The truth is: I'm just a 13 year-old nerd who has no real friends because she prefers her Internet ones. That has to stop, and I'm stopping it today.

If anyone would like to take over this story, please send me a message within this week and we will discuss it. I will be keeping this accout so I will be able to review on my friends' stories, so please don't ask for my password.

You will receive notes for the story(s) you want to take over, and I'll also be sending you some ideas for the story. I'll be giving my stories out to people who I know will update them, so please dont' ask for them if you already have 90 stories, because it's highly unlikely you will ever NEED another story.

Hopefully that made sense to someone because it's the last thing I'll ever be posting on .

Farewell!

~ Shannon

PS: Whoever wants the Total Drama Bachelor series will also inherit the web site.

PS2: I will be keeping my DeviantART account, and will continue posting deviations.


End file.
